


I Long For Yesterday

by Elsey



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death, F/M, Implied Destiel - Freeform, Season 1, because apparently i always have to fucking throw that in, ish, mourning Sam, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 00:41:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2004246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsey/pseuds/Elsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jessica has been found dead, Sam and Dean end up in a motel, where Sam has to decide whether or not to listen to messages that were left on his phone by Jess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of a Tumblr post; if I find it, I'll link it.
> 
> While writing this, I listened to the song 'Yesterday' by The Beatles. Try giving it a listen while reading.

The hours had ticked by slowly, endlessly, numbly. The apartment, burned beyond repair, held too many memories for Sam to even consider stepping foot in again. Even if they wanted to stay there, it was much too dangerous. So now, they were back in a motel for the night, Sam too exhausted from his emotions and the hunt alike to drive straight to dad, while Dean needed to get over his panic of once again seeing someone burning on a ceiling. While Dean would never admit something was wrong, Sam could see a haunted look in his eyes.

Sam sat in a small chair in the crappy motel, his phone in one hand and other holding his head up. His eyes were puffy and red, but dry, finally. Sam didn’t know if he even had any tears left. His eyes were locked on his phone. There were three unheard messages, all presumably from Jess. The thought of her name make his chest clench, and he had to work to control his breathing. His eyes slid over to the beds, making sure he hadn’t made enough noise to wake his brother. Dean had fitfully fallen asleep hours ago. Sam wasn’t even sure of the time anymore. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Not anymore.

Putting away his phone, Sam stood slowly, carefully, both hands on the table in front of him. He raised himself on wobbly legs, and shuffled over to the bathroom. Once inside, he shut the door, turning on the light and fan. Taking a deep breath, Sam slid against the wall. He opened his phone again, and released a choking noise from his throat at Jessica’s smiling face looking out at him from the home screen. He took a few long, deep breaths, saying “Okay, it’s okay.” He dialed, accessing his messages and getting the customary response from the machine. Heartbeat quickening in his chest, Sam squeezed his eyes shut.

“ _Hey, Sam, it’s Jess. It’s… four in the afternoon, and you still aren’t back, which is fine. Just don’t forget that law interview tomorrow! I love you, and I’ll see you soon._ ”

 _End of message_.

Sam could feel the tears prickling behind his eyes. He snapped his phone closed, throwing it across the bathroom and running his hands through his hair.

 _I love you, I love you, I love you_.

Sam buried his face in his hands, his breathing growing ragged.

“Stop it, stop it. Focus.” Sam took a shaky breath, sitting up with his eyes still closed and trying to force the tears away somehow. He willed himself to open his lids at last, and reached across the bathroom to pick up his discarded phone, flipping it open, and getting a punch to the gut at his dead girlfriend’s face once more. Clenching his jaw, Sam dialed once more, the customary message again blaring in his ear, his heart still jack hammering, his free hand clenching and unclenching in a fist.

“ _Sam, I’m sorry to call again, but I’m heading out to the pharmacy. Um… Sam, I’m freaking out a little, I think I might be babbling, I’m not sure. Oh, my God. I’m going to call you back in about an hour, so please, please pick up! If this works, I might have something really important to tell you. Oh, Jesus, if it’s true, I don’t… I don’t want to say it over the phone, I can’t- I can’t say it now, I don’t want anything jinxed. Just… if you get this, please, answer in an hour. I know you’re busy, but this is really important! Love you!_ ”

 _End of_ message.

Sam was dumbstruck. That sounded nothing like his Jess. She didn’t say her name, what time she called, and she sounded like a kid about to go to camp. Sam, in his grief-filled mind, wanted to vomit. She was so happy. She was _so happy_. And now…

“Just one more,” Sam choked out, hitting the button to hear the final message.

“ _You didn’t answer_.” Sam snapped up from the floor. Jess sounded hysterical. What was wrong? What had happened? What it whatever killed her? Did it have her? “ _Sam, you didn’t answer. I went to the pharmacy, and I came back, and- and Sam, oh my_ God _, Sam! Oh my God! Sam, I want to tell you and not your machine, but Sam, I’m- I’m pregnant, Sam! Oh my God! Please, call me, I can’t- this is just- we’re going to be parents! Oh my God, Sam, you’ll be a father, and we’ll have a nice house, and a family, Sam, a family! Call me as soon as you get this. I love you so much. Thank you for this, Sam. I love you, I love you! I’m going to call again, just in case you answer. I can’t believe this, Sam, a baby! Our baby. I’m going to call again, just a minute._ ”

 _End of message_.

The phone fell from Sam’s hand, dropping on the floor, the battery popping out of the back. Sam didn’t realize he was shaking until he tried to use the door, but found his hand to be too unsteady to clutch the handle. Sam took a step forwards, and went down, landing with a _CRASH_ in the shower. All he could do was curl into a ball, unable to move, to breathe.

 _All my fault, all my fault, everything is all my fault, she was pregnant and I_ left _and I should have been there but I just_ left _and she was alone and left to die and now my baby, her baby, is dead, deaddeadead. Everyone is dead, it’s all my fault, I killed mom and I killed Jess and I killed my own son or daughter, and now I’m going to kill Dean somehow, and then everyone will be dead. Dad’s probably dead, just like Jess, and it’s all my fault. Everything’s my fault._

_I killed my baby._

_I killed my baby._

_I killed my baby._

“Sammy? Sammy, you okay? Sammy, open up!” Sam didn’t respond. What was that sound? With a flash of horror, Sam realized it was him. It was the sound of his gasping, desperate sobs. And the numbness, the numbness was gone. Now it was a blade ripping into his chest and gut, everything on fire. “Sam? Sam!” Dean was there, and he knew that, but Sam’s eyes were welded shut, tears flowing freely, his hands grasping at nothing while his body wrapped in on itself, trying to get the pain to _stop_. His chest throat was raw, and he tasted blood, but he just couldn’t _stop_ , he couldn’t think, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t _breathe_.

“A- all my… f-fa-ault,” he suddenly shrieked, not moving from his position, short nails digging into the flesh of his arms, his entire mind hysterical.

“Sam,” Dean’s voice was soft, calming, but filled with concern. Sam could barely hear him over his loud, broken sobs. “It wasn’t you, okay? It was the bastard who got mom.” Dean gripped Sam’s shoulders, wrenched him up from the shower, and dropped him into his own lap, holding Sam close. “It wasn’t you, Sam. I swear it. It wasn’t you.” Sam shook his head again and again. He couldn’t speak, but he knew. He knew it was his fault.

 _My baby. My Jess, my baby, my Jess, my baby. My life, my everything, it’s gone, and it’s all my fault_ , was all that was running through Sam’s mind. Dean stayed with him, silent, but making sure Sam didn’t thrash, holding his hands down when he tried to rake his nails down his face, just held him sometimes.

Eventually, Sam passed out on the bathroom floor. Dean sniffed, running one hand through Sam’s hair and using the other to wipe his eye hurriedly. This wasn’t the time. He couldn’t do this now.

Sammy needed him, more than ever, and he couldn’t focus on his own problems.

Sam had just lost everything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being updated a little later... I ended up away from the computer and getting a new fish friend, so I didn't have a chance to finish it until just now!
> 
> Song this was written to- And I Love Her, The Beatles.
> 
> Shout out to arockwell723, who I kind of love for their enthusiasm that I update.

**7 years later.**

“What the _hell_ , Sam?” Dean yelled, slamming the motel door behind himself as Sam walked in ahead of him, hands gripping his hair, walking aimlessly around the room. “We almost fucking _died_ , Sam! Pull your head out of your fucking ass and try not to get us killed! _Jesus Christ_.”

“ _Just shut up, Dean_!” Sam finally screamed, snapping his head towards his brother. Dean’s eyes narrowed.

“ _Excuse me_?”

“Just… please, shut the hell up!”

“How about no? You expect me to shut up about the fact that thanks to your _carelessness_ I nearly lost my fucking arm to a werewolf!? How about, oh, I don’t know, _fuck no_!”

“I told you I didn’t want to hunt it today!”

“And I told _you_ tough shit, because there’s no way this thing was sticking around! Jesus fucking Christ, Sam, where was your head!?’

“I’m not having a good day, okay Dean?”

“Tough shit! You need to put these stupid emotions up your ass and do your damn job! You chose me, not your girlfriend, and it’s about time you stick that touchy feely crap where the sun don’t shine!”

“Wait, you think this is about Amelia?” Sam laughed darkly before sinking into a chair, shaking his head slowly. “You are an asshole, aren’t you?”

“The fuck are you going on about?”

“Dean, this has nothing to do with her.”

“What, are you on your period, princess?”

“Dean! Just leave me the fuck alone!”

“No!” Dean shouted, moving across the room and getting in Sam’s face. Sam scowled, but it didn’t last before his face fell, and he looked away. “I almost died today, and I’d like to know why, thank you very much.” Dean’s voice had lost the angry tone it had previously carried, and now had a touch of worry in it. Sam ran his hands over his face. He took a long, deep breath.

“Dean, it’s really nothing. I’m sorry, okay?”

“Bull. Shit. What in the fuck is wrong with you, man?” Sam sighed, standing and pushing Dean aside. Dean crossed his arms over his chest, looking his brother up and down, a worried crease in his brow. Dean hadn’t seen that broken look in Sam’s eyes in a long, long time.

“Today is… a bad day.”

“I can fucking tell.”

“Let me talk,” Sam insisted. Dean raised his hands in front of himself. “Dean, I know you don’t remember this kind of thing, but seven years ago today… Dean, it’s Jess’ anniversary. Of her death.”

“ _Seriously_?”

“Excuse me?”

“Jessica? Your _college girlfriend_? _That’s_ what this is about? Are you _fucking_ kidding me? Sam. It’s been _years_. Move on, man! Hell, I thought you had! Of all the things-” Dean stopped when he saw Sam’s face. The tortured expression, the tears in his eyes, the way his chest was starting to move faster. And his eyes. By God, his eyes. They showed seven years of regret and pain and silent suffering. “Look, man, I get that it hurt, but you seriously need to stow your crap. You didn’t see me getting like this when Cas died!”

“This is nothing like Cas! I _loved_ her, Dean!” Dean’s face went completely slack at the fact that he had said Cas’ name. “And why would you even say Cas, of all people? Jesus, he came back!”

“I- I meant Lisa,” Dean stuttered, his face completely emotionless for another fraction of a second before it was pulled back into a scowl. “But that’s not what matters! Look, man, I get it. Jess was _it_. But she isn’t worth dying over when she’s already dead.”

“Dean, you don’t understand.”

“Like hell I don’t understand. I lost _mom_ , Sam. And dad. And Lisa and Ben and Bobby and fucking _everyone_ , okay? I get it.”

“I didn’t just lose Jess!” Sam shouted, moving his hands to match his anger. Dean stopped for a moment.

“Right, you lost your entire perfect future too. Well, Sam, I hate to be the world’s biggest asshat, but, in case you didn’t notice, it’s been _seven fucking years_.”

“You don’t understand,” Sam whispered, his voice broken and weak. He collapsed back into a chair, looking exhausted.

“Then make me understand,” Dean said, sliding into the seat across from him. Sam lowered his head, then moved it up slowly, avoiding Dean’s gaze as he reached behind himself and moved a duffle over, pulling out a shitty looking flip phone. “What the fuck is that?”

“My phone.”

“From what, 1996?”

“No, Dean, from 2005.”

“Why the fuck do you still have that?”

“Just… just let me show you.” Sam said, flipping it open and pressing hard down on the buttons. He passed the phone to Dean, who put it on speaker.

“ _Hey, Sam, it’s Jess. It’s… four in the afternoon, and you still aren’t back, which is fine. Just don’t forget that law interview tomorrow! I love you, and I’ll see you soon._ ”

“What the fuck is this? Seriously? You kept this for these messages, for all these years?”

“Dean, just listen, okay?” Sam begged, his voice soft and hard to hear. Dean looked up from the crackling phone to see his brother staring at the phone like his life depended on it. The next message started to play.

“ _Sam, I’m sorry to call again, but I’m heading out to the pharmacy. Um… Sam, I’m freaking out a little, I think I might be babbling, I’m not sure. Oh, my God. I’m going to call you back in about an hour, so please, please pick up! If this works, I might have something really important to tell you. Oh, Jesus, if it’s true, I don’t… I don’t want to say it over the phone, I can’t- I can’t say it now, I don’t want anything jinxed. Just… if you get this, please, answer in an hour. I know you’re busy, but this is really important! Love you!_ ”

Dean swallowed. Hard. “Pharmacy, to get, like, tampons and shit, right?” Sam seemed to crack, and he looked away, his whole body curling in on itself. The next message played, and Dean felt dread pool low in his gut.

“ _You didn’t answer_. _Sam, you didn’t answer. I went to the pharmacy, and I came back, and- and Sam, oh my_ God _, Sam! Oh my God! Sam, I want to tell you and not your machine, but Sam, I’m- I’m pregnant, Sam!_ _” Dean’s head snapped towards his brother so fast he was sure he had whiplash. There were tears silently running down Sam’s face, and Dean couldn’t stop staring at his brother._ _“Oh my God! Please, call me, I can’t- this is just- we’re going to be parents! Oh my God, Sam, you’ll be a father, and we’ll have a nice house, and a family, Sam, a family! Call me as soon as you get this. I love you so much. Thank you for this, Sam. I love you, I love you! I’m going to call again, just in case you answer. I can’t believe this, Sam, a baby! Our baby. I’m going to call again, just a minute._ ”

Dean’s mouth was hanging open. He slowly closed the phone, his throat clenching, his eyes burning and his whole body numb. “Sam,” he croaked. “Sam, why- why didn’t you tell me?” Sam was silent. Dean placed a gentle hand on his brother’s arm, but Sam just flinched, moving away.

“It wasn’t important,” Sam whispered.

“Sammy,” Dean’s voice broke. “Sammy, I’m so, so sorry. I never even- Jesus Christ, I never even _thought_ … Fuck, Sammy, I’m sorry. So sorry.”

“I would’ve been a dad,” Sam breathed. “He would’ve been six now. I’d be a lawyer, Jess a nurse, and we’d have a nice house with a dog… we could’ve named his James, or if it was a girl, she could’ve been Mary. We’d have a white picket fence, Dean, a nice one. But all of it, _all of it_ , is gone. So, please, forgive me if I didn’t feel like hunting.” Dean stood, walking out of the room. He closed the door softly, and leaned against it, trying to get his breath back. So much had happened. So much. And the whole time, Sam had been carrying this. Sam had this knowledge that his baby was dead, and he thought it was his fault. All these years and he still blamed himself. Dean hurriedly wiped a tear from his eye. He filled his lungs and emptied them once more before turning back to the room, opening the door.

He made a beeline for his brother, pulling him out of that chair and wrenching him into a bone-crunching hug, both of them hanging on to keep from drowning. Both of them just trying to hold on.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dean asked when he finally pulled away, not making eye contact with his sibling.

“There was never a chance, Dean. I just… wanted to forget. Guess I did a great job, huh?” Dean shook his head.

“I wish I’d known.”

“Would it have made a difference?”

“Yes. Because every year, I would have been there Sam. With Jess, it was different- if I had known you thought you killed your baby…” Just saying the words made Dean want to vomit. “I would’ve been there, Sam. Because… because…”

“Because?”

“No chick flick moments, but Sammy, this is the time for one. Sammy, it’s because I- I love you, okay? You’re my brother, and I… you know. There.” Sam smiled a watery smile.

“Same, Dean. Same.” Dean nodded.

“That was sufficiently awkward.”

“But it’s what I needed. Thank you.”

“I know we’re fighting and shit, but we can get back to that tomorrow, okay? Tonight, we can just relax, yeah? Just… stay here, drink some beer, watching Duke’s of Hazard on TV.” Sam gave another tiny smile. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“How… it’s been seven years and a trip to hell; how do you still have that phone?”

“Secret compartment in the Impala. I- I listen to it every year. Just… so I don’t forget her voice.” Dean nodded, flashing back to desperately trying to remember his own mother’s voice. He still couldn’t, and envied Sam for those messages.

“Sammy?”

“Yeah?”

“I really am sorry. For everything. For making you hunt, and taking you away from her… them… just for everything.” Sam’s eyes softened.

“It’s neither of our faults. I’ve accepted it. I just need one day a year, to miss them. You know?”

“I know. I really do.” There was a short, comfortable silence as both brothers stood near each other, looking anywhere but the other’s eyes. Finally, Dean moved to go to the bed. “Want a beer?”

“Sure,” Sam mumbled, sitting on the end of his own bed and holding his head in his hands.

And if that night, Sam went to bed early without dry eyes, neither brother mentioned it again. The moment had passed. That night was never truly forgotten, but it was never spoken of again.


End file.
